No Title

My life was in a total disarray. Every thing, every thought and every feeling I did or had, came in conflict with everything else. I was the proverbial loser. I had no structured education, I had never occupied a job and I never [actually] wanted it with all my heart. In the last years I’ve always placed this misfit and off-center behavior on the shoulders of my brain, of my upbringing and why-not, to a certain degree of autism I might have been born with. Or at least I’ve grew accustom to since young age. I’m not saying I couldn’t cope with social things, I’m just saying I don’t like social things that much. Or even if I did, I was also a secluding asshole in the rest of the time. Loved to be all alone. Having thoughts all of my own. It made me feel fucking special to say the least. Always dreamt of more bites than I could chew. Always “there” seemed better than here. Always tomorrow had a stronger shine than Today. But them two combined didn’t had half of the shine Yesterday had. I was an asshole living with the memories of the past and not with the plans for the future. For me, the future, the potential, was always too much of a burden. Too much to carry. Too much to think of, realistically speaking. I’ve never overcome the dreams and the fantasies I once had. I kept them alive using the illusion that I could ever become a successful writer. Then a movie director (or before that) or who knows what other shit.
All those dreams, as dreams do, never turned [the page] to reality. They never did because I never done anything to make them true. All I did was kept on dreaming. And that really turned out to be a stupid thing to do just by itself.
So, why using the past tense ? Because I’m a new me, today. I’m that “me” I always dreamt of being. Full of money, love or sex, appreciation and whatever. The dreams came true after I decided to fucking do something towards that direction.